Dear Readers: If you haven't yet partaken in the offerings of the Philadelphia Live Arts and Philly Fringe Festivals, this is definitely the year to do it. The two weeks of the festival, kicking off today (except for a few shows that opened last night—cheaters!), are absolutely my two favorite weeks to be in Philly. And even though I'm seeing fewer shows than usual this year (about 20, instead of my usual 30+), I thought......

Dear PPA: I need you to explain something to me. I've seen PPA officers hang out and wait for a meter to expire, ticket cars that stayed in a loading zone a minute too long, and ignore "meter broken" notes. So I'm curious as to why you completely ignore cars parked on the median, or in turn lanes and in clearly marked "no parking" zones on Sundays. I know it's the day of rest,......

To the teenaged girls sitting immediately behind us at last Saturday's Counting Crows/Maroon 5/Sara Bareilles concert: You don't know me. I don't think you even paid much attention to me, even though one of you stepped on my foot without apologizing and another hit me in the back of the head with a camera and didn't even seem to notice. If I entered into your consciousness at all, it was when we were getting......

Dear Dog Owners: What s/he said. (Somebody hasn't been reading our archives!) Thanks to Brynn Tetrick for allowing us to use her photo, taken outside the Benjamin Moore on Girard Avenue in Northern Liberties.......

Dear Scrabulous: I lost more games than I won (somehow, I always ended up with a board full of "u"s and "i"s). I wasted numerous hours of my time when I should have been doing other things—like writing my columns for Phillyist. One might think that I'd see the end of Scrabulous (on Facebook, anyway) as a blessing in disguise. But damn if you don't still have a hold on me. Having refused to install......

Dear Old City Movers: You guys rock. No, really. You rock. I've never moved with movers before. In the past, I'd enticed friends with upper body strength to help me move with the promise of fifty bucks or a few free meals or, most recently, a pizza and a six pack. But when Ross and I decided it was time to take that crucial couple step of moving in together, it became quickly apparent that......

Dear Miami Café: For weeks, my roommate’s girlfriend has been salivating over your free salsa lessons allegedly given on Fridays. This Friday, my girlfriend and I were prepared to attend the dancing and drinking at Miami Café along with them and a few other friends. We walked to 4th and South Streets, ready for dancing and learning. We were told dancing would not be happening for at least “another hour or so” as many patrons......

Dear Hersheypark Stadium: There were thirty thousand people, give or take, at last night's Billy Joel concert. That's more than twice the population of the city in which you reside. There seem to be two exits to your parking lot. That's it. Two. If there were more exits, I didn't see them, and there weren't any signs pointing to them It took us over an hour to leave after the concert. And we're amongst the......

Dear Iron Maiden: I'll admit that when I first arrived at your show in Camden last week, I had no idea why I was there. (Other than the fact that Ross had an extra ticket and I was being a dutiful girlfriend.) I was wearing black, yes, but that was a coincidence. I don't own any shirts with your logo on them. I know three of your songs. I think I may have been......

Dear National Mechanics: Two weeks ago tonight, I found myself at your door. I'd had some blood work done earlier in the day and I hadn't had much to eat, so I probably shouldn't have been drinking. But there were margaritas, and then there was sangria, and then I just really needed something of a more solid nature in my stomach. A friend suggested you. We walked to the door and were told it would......

Dear Airline Industry: What the hell, guys? First, American Airlines announces they're going to start charging us to check bags, unless we're flying first class, paying full fare, or frequent flyers. Yesterday, United Airlines followed suit. Their prices per piece are lower, sure, but you'll make up for it in your lack of legroom. (I now feel comfortable disclosing that this 2006 Return to Sender column was about United.) And today comes the news that......

Dear Wegmans: This past weekend, I discovered your awesomeness. I had to go to the Cherry Hill Mall for a new pair of glasses. There's no LensCrafters in Center City and I didn't have the time or energy to go to King of Prussia. But what to do in that hour between picking out my glasses and picking them up? Brunch, and then a trip to see you for dinner ingredients and snacks for......

Dear Manayunk: I love you. I think you're adorable. I'm even entertaining the notion of moving closer to you. But I have to say, 'Yunk, you scare the hell outta me. Not because of your crime rate. (The only scary thing about that is how low it is compared with the rest of the city!) Not because of your topography. It's because of your roads. Annoying though it may be, Manayunk, you either need......

Hi there, Wawa: So listen. Last week, I was at the corner of 20th and Chestnut and there was a Wawa there. Today, I was at the corner of 20th and Chestnut and there was an Old Nelson there. Now don't get me wrong. I love me some Old Nelson sandwiches. In fact, I'd venture to say that, as a rule, their sandwiches are better than yours. But, like your advertisements say, sometimes you've......

Dear Atlantic City: I'm beginning to see you in a new light. You see, I've been living in Philadelphia for what will be six years this fall. And while I knew you were only an hour away, and while I know that everyone in Philadelphia goes to visit you and your Jersey Shore neighbors, I've only visited you a handful of times since I moved east. My bad. Because every time I go to......

Dear Philadelphia Voters: I hope you’re proud of yourselves. No, really. I’m not saying that in the “Johnny, I hope you’re proud of yourself. Now your little brother has a black eye,” kind of way. I’m saying that in the most sincere way I can. Because whether you’re happy with the results of Tuesday’s Primary Election or not, you should still be happy about the day itself. I grew up in a very political......

Dear Mr. Colbert—Stephen, if we may: Are we too old? Too young? Too fat? Too thin? Too liberal? Yes, it must be too liberal. Because why else would you have been ignoring our attempts to reach you? Let us assure you that it was our readers, and not us, who endorsed Barack Obama. We are true patriots, Stephen. We on the Phillyist staff will be writing your name in when we go to vote this......

Dear Philadelphia: You are dubbed "The City of Brotherly Love" due to a very literal translation of your name, which comes from the Greek words philos (love) and adelphos (brother). When you were originally founded by William Penn, your state's namesake and the figure atop your City Hall, you were to serve as a beacon of hope to all those who had been persecuted for their religious beliefs in Europe. You're considered to be......

Dear Philadelphia: I have lived here now for nearly six years. I made it through four and a half without buying pepper spray, and only acquired one from a friend when a string of sexual assaults last fall were a little too close to home. It remains attached to my keychain, except for when it isn't: before shows at the Electric Factory or TLA, I make sure to detach it and leave it somewhere......

Dear YouTube: There's so much about you to love. From Tay Zonday to Samwell to He Man Sings to Liam Kyle Sullivan to Barats and Bereta (that's their newest video on the right) to Eepy Bird to the Numa Numa kid to Chad Vader to, um, stuff like this, you have given me hours upon hours of entertainment since your launch in February of 2005. I've spent countless nights staying up until four in the......

Dear Mamaist: Lately, I've been babysitting a lovely little girl two days a week. Her parents are close friends of mine, and they named her for one of their personal literary heroines, which you know I think is awesome. She's five months old and thinks just about everything I do is funny, except for when she's a little tired. But when she is tired, I put her down in her crib and play lullaby versions......

Dear myphl17: What have you done to me? I realize I'm unemployed (again – sigh), but I swear, I really do have better things to do with my time than watch you. And yet here I sit, as often as three times per day, finding out who the baby daddy is, what the lie detector said, and whether it's a chick or a dude in the dress. That's right. I'm watching Maury. (Oh, I......

To the Right Hemisphere of My Brain: I have a column due at 2PM. That's just a few hours from now. It's usually a pretty simple column to write, really. I just choose something in Philadelphia—or not, if I'm not feeling like it— and write it a letter. It doesn't even have to be funny – it's ranged from the flippant to the tragic in the past. I just need to get it up. You......

Hey There Philly: Politics aside, I'm a proud Texan. But I've just returned from a two-week visit to my folks' house and I discovered that... I really missed you. It wasn't the kind of missing you I've had in the past, where I was just kind of bored with sitting on my ass at my parents' place and wanted to get back to work or to school – although boredom did play a small factor.......

Dear Penn: Merry Christmas. (Or, perhaps more appropriately, happy belated Chanukah.) You get some nice gifts this season? Maybe an endowment or two? A couple of mentions in The New York Times? Some national accolades coming your way? That's nice. I'm happy for you. What's that? You want to know what I got for Christmas? A couple of very thoughtful gifts, and a couple of checks from family members who figured that I'd rather......

Dear Philadelphia: Congratulations! Just a day after The Inquirer reported that violent crime was down across the city, we received a press release from the GPTMC extolling all your other achievements in 2007. You deserve a big pat on the back for the national and international media mentions you've garnered this year. People are paying attention to you. You're like a celebrity now. On the Food front, The Today Show decided that Vesuvio Restaurant's......

Dear PhillyCarShare: I love you. I do. And I extol your virtues to anyone who asks. You're socially responsible. Your customer service is second-to-none. You sponsor events throughout the city. You've got these guys. What's not to love? Perhaps some of your customers. The kind who don't really know how to drive all that well and end up banging up one of your cars but not reporting it. The kind who leave the cars......

Dear Philadelphia Winter: The fact that I've started putting on a scarf for my walk to work means you're right around the corner, and there's no stopping you. For a significant portion of my life, I considered you a necessary evil. After all, without you, there would be no Thanksgiving, no Christmannakkanzaa, no New Year, right? But about three years ago, I decided that was a ridiculous idea. After all, people in, say, San Diego......

Dear Readers: Indulge me this week, won't you? I searched and searched for a direct tie between Kurt Vonnegut and Philadelphia. But other than assorted random mentions of him in the Inky, all I could find was this page, indicating that Harold Bloom published a volume of criticism on Vonnegut with a Philadelphia publisher. So no, this column is not going to be about Philadelphia, nor about any entity therein, which is the basic framework......

Way back when, I covered gym equipment use etiquette in a "Return to Sender" column (this was long before the advent of Monday Manners). But the equipment floor isn't the only place to be concerned about your comportment at the gym. Au contraire. You also have to mind your manners in the locker room. Nudity is a tricky issue. Some people are simply more comfortable with it than others. But, comfort or not, it's pretty......