It's our travel season right now, and having spent more time in and around Philadelphia International Airport than we'd like, we've been struck by the number of creepy dudes that can afford to fly the friendly skies. So we weren't that surprised when we read about a recent airplane-related arrest wherein an off-duty flight attendant ejaculated onto a passenger. Here's what we've determined he was thinking as the working flight attendant gave the safety speech:

May we have your attention for the safety announcement.

(My name is Gonzalez and I am going to ejaculate on you.)

The life jacket is under your seat.

(It, too, will be ejaculated on.)

Place the life jacket over your head.

(Seriously, it will be all over your back.)

Fasten the buckle around your waist and tighten the strap.

(First, I will try to spoon you.)

To inflate, pull the red tabs firmly downwards.

(I will be pulling my tab firmly as well.)

The life jacket can also be inflated manually.

(Erm, I'm inflating myself manually.)

Do not inflate the life jacket until outside the aircraft.

(Whoops, too late.)

Please note that the emergency exits are clearly marked with red exit signs on both sides of the aircraft. There are 8 exits 2 at the front, 4 at the middle, and 2 at the rear of the cabin.

(Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle.)

The safety information card in your seat pocket contains additional information. If you need any assistance please contact our cabin crew. Thank you for your attention.

(Was it good for you? Oh smack! The cops are coming!)

Image Credit: Flickr user Bruno D Rodrigues