I was recently talking to a friend of mine, and the subject of weird fetishes somehow came up. During the conversation, he remarked that he didn't think that he had any.

"Weird feisthes?"

"No. Fetishes, period. I don't think I have any."

I told him that was impossible. Everyone has fetishes—they just might not recognize them as such. And sure enough, it turned out that my friend had a pretty common one: a little light bondage. This is not the stuff of S&M parlors. It's a silk handkerchief or padded handcuffs around the headboard, and maybe a gentle, open-handed, spanking or two. His fetish seems pretty tame compared to some that I've heard about. But this is a manners column, not a sex column. So why do I bring it up at all?

Because, even though everyone has his or her own fetishes, it doesn't mean that every person you ever sleep with is going to share yours. And a polite bedmate knows that the time to share these fetishes is not when you're ready to act them out.

But if not then, when?

Well, not, certainly, on the first date. (Unless your first date is at a fetish party. In that case, all bets are off.) Probably not even the first time that you sleep together. The first time you sleep together, you're just trying things out, and it's often best to play it safe, and perhaps a little boring, rather than risking putting your new lover off too quickly.

Once you're comfortable with your sexual relationship, you can start talking about things that you'd like to try with your partner. But you need to be sure to have that conversation before things get too hot and heavy in the bedroom. Hearing your lover yell "put on my panties!" or "tie me up!" or even "pee on me!" in the heat of the moment could be quite off-putting for you, so imagine if you were the one shocking your partner. Instead, after a night out (but not too drunken a night out—you wouldn't want your partner to acquiesce, only to regret it in the morning), when things appear to be bedroom-bound, pause, take a breath, and say: "Tonight, do you think we could try..." or "I've always wanted to..." Gauge your partner's reaction. Sometimes, your partner will say, "Yes, absolutely!" Sometimes, your partner will say, "Never!" And sometimes, your partner may seem unsure.

If the answer was yes, good for you. Have fun, and wear a condom.

If the answer was no, you need to respect that. If it's something you absolutely can't live without, then you need to reevaluate your relationship: you don't want to date someone with whom you're not sexually compatible. If it's something you can envision going without long-term, then you need to remember that you made that decision, and not grow to resent your partner down the line when or if you change your mind about your needs.

And if the answer was a maybe, then you need to give your partner some time. A lot of maybes eventually become yeses, given enough time and sufficient respectful distance. Don't nag your partner and constantly ask if a decision has been made yet. Give it time before you ask about your desires again. You'll know when it's time to talk about it again—often, because your partner will bring it up first.

Above all: if you want your partner to give your fetish a try, you have to be open to your partner's. Think of fetishes like you should be thinking of oral sex: a two-way street. You can't be selfish. So unless your partner is really what you're into, too, you can't expect him or her to go along with it if you're not even willing to give his or her fetish a try. Sometimes, discussion of this can be done ahead of time: in the early stages of their relationship, a friend of mine and her beau made a list of things they're not into. But again, no matter what, talk of fetishes should always happen before you're ready to act on yours. And remember that "no" means no.

But "yes" could mean a helluva lot of fun.