Dear Maintenance Crew:

I know I asked you to do a lot of stuff in my apartment. I know that the other day, I called to see if you could make two things a priority: cleaning the drain in by bathroom sink -- which I said was really important -- and stopping the leak in my bathtub -- which I think I just called annoying. I know I said that you could go in, even if I wasn't at home.

That doesn't mean you can come to my apartment and make a huge, completely illogical mess, and not clean up.

I fail to see how plumbing repairs in my bathroom would yield wood shavings and saw dust in my living room and kitchen. But the splinter in the sole of my foot proves they were there. Somehow, changing the faucet in my bathtub meant getting sawdust in a shopping bag I'd brought home the day before you arrived. A shopping bag full of brand new, clean clothing. Clothing that I wasnt' sure I wanted to keep. Guess I'm keeping it now. Visa will thank you.

I know that changing a faucet and showerhead isn't neat work, but if there's one thing everyone is taught in kindergarten, it's that you should clean up your toys after you put them away. So the significant amount of "stuff" in my bathtub really isn't acceptable. Especially when some of that stuff is shards of metal that I can step on. Unlike most people, I don't wear thick-soled shoes when I shower.

And I'm not entirely sure what you did that required the use of a whole roll and a half of toilet paper. Because you certainly didn't use it to clean. For future reference, putting a roll of toilet paper on the edge of the dirty, wet bathtub isn't terribly effective. You see, the toilet paper begins to disintegrate after a while.

If you wouldn't mind, I'd also love to know exactly what you did in my toilet. When I opened the lid, the water in the bowl wasn't clear. It wasn't even that nauseating-but-clean bright blue that many gas stations tend to favor. It was dull orange-red. The color that water turns when you're washing blood off a wound. Did you kill someone in my apartment, maintenance crew? If so, you did a damn good job cleaning up. If not, well, I'd like to know what stained my toilet bowl. (Two dozen flushes in a row, and the color's still there.)

There was trash on the floor that I hadn't generated. There were open cabinets in my kitchen. A box that I'd had taped shut was half open. I don't know why you want my old school notes, because that's all that was in the box, but you're welcome to them.

And to top it all off, the one thing I called about and asked you to make a priority. The one thing. My bathroom sink. It's still clogged.

What exactly were you doing in there, anyway?

The plumber's crack before you has been brought too you by Spam Revenge.